Why Do Women Forgive And Stay?

Women are emotionally and psychologically hardwired to forgive when they believe that somebody has true remorse for their bad behaviors and the dirty deeds that theyve committed. Political wives often have much more at stake than most. Spouses, like Senator David Vitters wife, are usually highly educated and bright women who realize that everyone has human shortcomings and impulses that sometimes drive us to make bad choices and sabotage the good things in our lives. Smart women weigh the facts, measuring what they gain from the relationship versus all that they have to lose. Even if the situation has been publicly humiliating and emotionally devastating, like their husbands, they are serving a greater agenda which has them make strategic decisions instead of emotional choices.

There is so much more to these marriages than we can see or know about simply by looking through the lens of the media. Most women who choose to forgive and stay in their marriages have children. Theyre really the ones that have the family values. Till death do us part is a vow taken very seriously for many of them. They are the ones with the integrity and the commitment. These qualities and traits are probably why their husbands chose them in the first place.

Most women carry a very strong vision for what is possible for the big future that they can create together as a couple and a family. Look at Hillary Clinton. Shes making her husband work for her day and night. She could have left, but she stayed. She clearly had a vision. That kind of vision, along with the hope and the faith in their husbands (as well as a dose of denial), drives many women to deal with and handle whatever crises come up in their marriage. Whether that vision can carry the couple through turbulent times or whether it descends into a false fantasy of happily ever after is the question. During these painful crossroads, people often have a spiritual opening or awakening. The shame and humiliation that theyre confronted with has them crack open, so to speak. It is at the times when we are exposed that we are forced to face some of our greatest fears and discover our resilience and capacity to survive and ultimately transcend that which we feared would destroy us. Thus the adage, That which doesnt kill us, makes us stronger. These experiences of betrayal and pain often become defining moments: Which road will they choose? After their partners have cheated on them, sometimes women have the most intimate conversations they have ever had, and truth and honesty clear the way for a new beginning.

And of course, women staying in dishonest and dysfunctional relationships can have nothing to do with forgiveness: they stay because theyre scared to leave, whether their fears have to do with money, social status, or emotional fragility. They simply join in the deceit, go into denial, and stay because its the easiest choice.

As a side note, in working with thousands of people from all over the world, for me the kind of sex scandal were seeing with Senator Vitter isnt shocking or surprising. I see again and again that when someone is so committed to and righteous about a particular issue, theyre often driven by their shadow, the disowned or rejected parts of their own humanity. In this example, Senator Vitter developed his political platform in part on the sanctity of marriage and his very human dark side popped up and violated that very position. Another example is Jesse Jackson, standing for family and strong Christian values and then having affairs and a child out of wedlock.

By Debbie Ford, #1 New York Times best-selling author of five books, including Spiritual Divorce; The Dark Side of the Light Chasers; and The Best Year of Your Life. For more information on Debbies Spiritual Divorce Coaches, Spiritual Divorce Audio Course, and more, visit http://www.debbieford.com

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